Good Morni–Afternoon. I am not sure the time, I do know it is FRIDAY!Friday is pizza day here and that means I have until about 4:30 to kind of dick around.
I have seen videos and read blogs recently about moms like me who have short fuses and yell. That is me. I yell far too often. But I hate it. I do feel like shit after.
I read blogs on patience, rubber bands, counting and things to make it easier but no one ever talks about how hard it is to fight the building tendency to just lose it. To channel all of the rage in my chest, throat and FOCUS on using soft language.
Its like I need to mentally picture LOVE as a fire hydrant putting out the fire in myself before attempting to use words.
Some days, I catch it and myself early. Some days, I lose it.
Fighting the urge to do or say what you FEEL vs the desire to do or say what you WANT is exhausting. And they are not the same things.
I want to address everything with patience but I feel like I should just put the damn shoes on myself or we will be here all day.
BUT I am trying. And my husband is noticing.
The other night, it was my sons’ bedtime and he did not want to clean up his toys, who does? I get it but I know it should be done so I am asking, explaining, asking, warning.
I feel the rage creeping slowly at first, breath, it does not need to go that way. All of my energy is focused on not losing my shit. I am praising every attempt at cleaning up, I am talking about getting a great nights sleep so we can have a good day tomorrow.
Eventually, it happened. Bedtime happened. I come back downstairs and my husband says “Thank you for keeping your cool. I could see how hard it was.”
“I could SEE.”
That made me feel so much better. Because I am alone all the time, no one sees that it is an effort. That it is EASY to give in to what I FEEL happening and fighting it for what I WANT to happen.
Do you struggle with this too? You are not alone.